Just Shut Up and Look at Cute Animals

If you've owned a cat, you know that there is no way to force love or cooperation from certain animals. In some cases, persistence can be an asset, but in the case of cats, your zealous affection will only drive them further from your empty lap.

Dogs, on the other hand, have no standard to maintain- love is practically spelled out in their DNA.

People I think can be on either side of the spectrum but most lie somewhere in between.

Human beings generally seek to embody the independence and dignity shown in cats but also the loyalty and affection dogs naturally live by.

We want to give ourselves to others. We want to trust and be trusted. We want that connection, that bond, that sense of possession and permanence and safety.

But we're also doomed to mistrust each other because mankind is capable not only of compassion and good deeds but also reallyshittyactsofviolenceandcruelty.

In other words, people are more than capable of being flat out dicks.

And how do we go about loving and trusting people if there's always the possibility of getting hurt?

I think in order to get to this magical island of peace and contentment, where we always trust our partners and never break our promises-







-is to accept that sometimes, in fact, we will break promises and trust will have to be rebuilt. We are human. In order to give ourselves to others we have to ignore some level of our survival instincts, or our inner cat tendencies.

Embrace the dog inside your heart. Love and be loyal and have faith.

And in my girlfriend's case, obey. Heh.

But seriously.

Giving someone else control over your well-being takes even more trust. A dog's ability to obey is innate, a cat's is nonexistent, and a person's is buried deep within and requires a shit-ton of tender-love-and-care to bring it into the light.








Doing as you're told when it's fun and exciting is easy. Doing as you're told even when you don't like it or agree with it takes a special kind of commitment.

When my love comes closer to me when I tell her to, I feel warm and fuzzy inside and maybe a little *cougharousedcough*. When she stifles her criticisms about my driving, I feel touched and more trusted. And when the day comes when she gets up in the morning and exercises with me without argument, I'll know things are really starting to change.

Yes, I Am an American

What's nice about working at a fast food restaurant at like midnight on the Fourth of July-







-is that people come in either hammered or wasted (or both) and then you don't have to work so hard cause they're half-conscious and not paying much attention.







You're tired and you wanna go home but at the same time it's pretty nice. Lots of weird shit happens.

One of my coworkers (a large, caucasian football player) decided to take someone's order in the drive-through with a heavy Indian accent.







A dog came through the drive-through with sunglasses on.







A car passed by filled with giggling teenagers high off their asses. I can assure you they had no idea what they ordered and wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between a hamburger and a lobster.







One lady came up to the register so drunk she shouted her order at me as if I were half a mile away.

On the list of songs all the employees sang together were Celine Dion's "All By Myself" and the Backstreet Boys' "Tell Me Why."

Overall it was a good night.

Maybe some things can still turn out ok even when you've been positively dreading them. I think in some cases, suffering can be optional. If you gotta be somewhere, you gotta be there...may as well try to make it fun. And who knows, maybe that situation you really didn't want to happen will contain some moments you really enjoy and remember for a long time afterward?

From Dragon to Kitten

Who knew that I would ever call my girlfriend "Kitten"?




















 And who knew she would fucking LIKE IT TOO? And it's not even kinky!

People are like onions.







This is a really common and cliche metaphor but you're all just gonna have to suck it up because I tried thinking of a different one but I just can't right now, my brain is not havin' it.







But people really are like onions- especially women. You could even maybe compare them to fruit that has a different color peel or outer layer than what's on the inside.

Like watermelon.







Or kiwi.







Or apple. (s)

this has a black background because apples always have ulterior motives.

Not oranges. Those fuckers are always pretty predictable.







But women- sometimes when they struggle against a person, all they really want is to be pushed up against a wall and be forced to take it. If you're a woman and you've never even thought about this, you're a liar- or, as MY woman says, "Go home. You're drunk."







In this instance, no means yes. Unless you're a creep or an asshole, in which case no most definitely means FUCK NO.

Months ago, when I first mentioned calling my girlfriend "Kitten," I'm sure she would have hit me if we had been talking in person.

*insert high falsetto girly voice* You are NOT calling me that!

Ok, I said. (even though it's a totally perfect nickname because she's all independent and aloof like a cat but playful on the inside like a kitten and really just wants her vulnerable belly rubbed even though her first instinct is to bite the hand off of anyone who tries)







But with a few hints and prodding motions from her, I came to the realization that sometimes when she says "absolutely not" she really means "please do, I'm just too embarrassed to say I want this myself."

Of course, it would be much easier if people were just direct about what they wanted. But where is the fun in that.

For the two of us, this concept doesn't just apply to her pet name. This applies to our whole dynamic. Her wanting to be taken in hand and controlled is TOP SECRET.







Not talked about much, not easy to admit, and definitely not a desire that's easy to give in to.

How many of us have those kinds of desires? The desires we lie about even in a super intense game of Truth or Dare?

Probably just about everyone.

So many secret desires. Desires to be controlled, to cross-dress, to renounce the family religion, to fuck your boss, to say FUCK YOU to your boss, to pursue your own dreams instead of those designed for you by parents or society.

And hopefully, we'll all meet the people who will pry those desires out of our hearts and accept them and love us more because of them.

Story Time

I've been talking a lot about generalities. Let me go into the specifics. 

I slept over at my girlfriend's house the other day- and she began to sulk, but refused to tell me why. She turned on her side to go to sleep. So instead of getting frustrated and going to sleep as well, I grabbed her upper arm, and tried to pull her towards me, but felt resistance. So I sat up and forced her onto her back with brute strength (thank god I'm stronger than she is) and said her full name. I was greeted with a scowl. So I said, "Tell me what's wrong right now." 

To my amazement, she began to soften a little. Her stony expression warmed up and eased into one of worry and sadness. She opened up and told me what was wrong.

WELL SHIT.

We talked about it, and even though we couldn't really come to a conclusion at the moment, it seemed as if she felt heard. She tried to turn away from me again but I took hold of her arm and said "turn towards me please." And she did, without a fight. Eventually she snuggled into me and fell asleep almost immediately.

This felt very good. I took charge- didn't let her sulk. Didn't let things fester. And it had fantastic results.

But what's hard is doing that all the time but not overdoing it. Not using brute strength as a go-to strategy. Only when it's appropriate, only when the situation calls for it, only when it would enhance my ability to get her attention and fix things. 

I'm requiring her to do a couple of small routine things. And it's hard to be consistent with those- because I'm not good with routine. I don't follow through with things in my own life. I wait til the last minute and I forget things a lot and generally am pretty absent-minded. 

And she needs control over everything. She doesn't like submitting, she feels uncomfortable when she's not in charge, she has huge trust issues.

You can see how this will be difficult for us. 

But we'll grow. As individuals. And as a couple. We will blossom.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

I think we can all agree that America's all-time worst enemy is exercise.

(FAKER)

 

My older sister came over today, and you know what she did?

No, not force me to exercise with her. Well at least not at first.

The FIRST thing she did was get reasonably drunk. 

And that's entertaining in itself because Shannon's really fun and generally hilarious and when she gets intoxicated she turns into SHANNON 5000.

A half an hour went by and she sobered up a little bit- enough to turn to me and say "HEY. I've started exercising. You know what I've been doing?" I said no. And she proceeded to explain it to me four times before dragging me off the couch and having me do it with her.

At first I was excited! It had been MONTHS since I'd even done a push-up. (Back in the days of band camp when my band director forced the upperclassmen to do Bob Harper Strength Workouts- 

-try this, and cry.)

The workout my drunk sister and I did was called 99. 

99 jumping jacks, 99 crunches, 9 chair raises, 99 second wall squat, 99 second plank, 99 running leg lifts, and 9 push-ups. Then you repeat- but with 88. Then 77. Then 66. And so on. When you get to 11, you do an 11 minute run. 

Once I did the 9 push-ups, I was done. And went back to sit down on the couch and finish my mimosa.

Point is, it's easy to get excited at the prospect of exercising, and do it one time, or maybe even once every few weeks- but to do it a few times a week, or even every fucking DAY-

Wow. Wish I had that kind of consistency and dedication. 

WAIT. CONSISTENCY AND DEDICATION.

I NEED THOSE.

My abs hurt right now and I feel like it would be a really good idea to do the full exercise in the morning. That would be what a consistent and dedicated person would do. 

Dammit.

You know what else a consistent and dedicated person would do?

Follow through with things regarding my girlfriend. She's gung-ho about the whole taken-in-hand concept...she's told me before that she's always wanted someone to take charge- maybe to keep her dragon from setting everything good around her on fire? I'd like to be able to do that eventually. Put a stop to that, I mean.

And to do that I need to be able to say something to her and, through my actions, prove that I mean it. If I tell her she's not allowed to talk to me a certain way (aka calling me names), and if she does there will be a consequence (aka leaving the conversation for a couple hours aka HER FATAL FLAW) then that better be the goddamn consequence if she talks to me that certain goddamn way. Otherwise what will my word mean? Nothing. So if she can't trust my word there, how can she possibly trust me when I say I love her?

Consistency. Exercising everyday, not just when I feel like it. Being a rock for my woman everyday, not just when it's convenient and easy. 

I have a long way to go.